Christmas In Italy, Huh

So it’s a road trip is it? Zen and the art of motorcycle theft, pointless tooing and froing about the country Jack “interesting” bloody Kerouac style? There’s no special rider here!

So I’ve lost my way in the narrative, wandered down the rocky road of rhetoric and stepped on something nasty have I ? We’ll see about that. How crass do those costly Xmas lights look now on a bleak back to work winter morning? Turns out I’m not that bonkers after all, watch the birdy!

Christiane Namnam, the deservedly famous Lady Mayoress of Collobrieres, possibly the greatest of all the great stupid wazzocks with the debilitating privilege of running a small burg, today made a dramatic turnaround in her polity of twinning, sister citying or jumelage as she humourlessly calls it. On her return from an official visit to her commune gemellato, the topping mountain resort town of Frabosa Sottano in Northern Italy, she proclaimed herself flabbergasted by the fact that they did actually have a thriving chestnut industry. She had fervently believed until this moment, that the idea was to just pretend you had one, really believe you did, and then put the word around that you were the chestnut capital of the world.

“That’s how it works right?”

Miffed all the more she was to find out that Frabosa Sottano also possessed the perfect geographic and climatic conditions for the production of her favourite fruit: fertile and sunny south facing slopes, long and jolly cold winters, then altitude, my friends,  bag loads of it. Finally, they also had a diligent and energetic population to tend and harvest their futile crop. The four prerequisites for producing quality nuts which her own town was sadly lacking. How embarrassing is that?

“Christmas in Italy, Huh. One Mary one Jesus and fifty million wise guys.”

She muttered unpleasantly as she heaved in her tri-colored cummerbund and summoned the po faced, red necked yet determined Sid and Doris Bonkers (both 59), her word carriers, and briefed them for the tricky announcement of the wonderful news. That’s a nice drum break, but wait for it, the little town of Cambridge Idaho will soon be their new, inseparable, incomprehensible, American twin.

Cambridge bleedin’ Idaho?

Cambridge bleedin’ Idaho. Yes siree! A unilateral agreement was imminent. Her state side counterpart Lady Mayor ‘Tweety’ Nan-Nan had announced in difficult French.

“I’m Thrillers’ bitzy at the prospectiolo….A chestnut chum!”

As for Namnam, she had long harboured a desire to visit the magnificent state of Idaho, but now she could do it, all expenses paid, as a V.I.P. Which of course means, and here I must ask for, but do not crave indulgence, a Very Important Potato.

But seriously, why Cambridge Idaho? Once again, on with the ragged red beret and the dodgy French accent, I was going to find out. I found her of course sitting outside the Bar de la Mairie, drinking black coffee, eating quintessential croissants and Bogarting one of Rabba O’Riley’s infamous joints.

“Good morning Birdy”

I greeted her warmly as I sat down in one of the many empty pews around her.

“You don’t mind if I call you Birdy do you?” Birdy, Birdy, Birdy……….. Birdy was not there.

“Madame Namnam, may I enquire about the reasons you chose Cambridge Idaho as our new twin? Was it because they both start with the very same ‘C’ majuscule? “

“No” was all she said.

“So the fact that ‘Cambridge” has fewer letters than ‘Collobrieres’ and is therefore inferior, had no influence on your decision then?”

“No! No!” She admitted grudgingly,” but Frabosa Sottano, was a bit of a smack in the face, double-bloody-barrelled too, the presumptuous dagos.”

“Well then, what about them sharing the identical zip code, 83610, that’s pretty incredible eh? What what what?”

Not a bit of it.

Right then, how was I going to put this? Did she actually know about the Famous Potato thing?

“Goodbye twinning, goodbye jumelage. Hello Spuddy Buddy! Am I right?”

“NO, Fuck off Rodney!”

Then it struck me, how could I have been so insensitive? Not only had she remembered my name, bless her, but I had completely forgotten that she was a huge, no massive and unconditional fan of Paul Revere and the Raiders! Cambridge’s very own small time idiot bastard sons of anarchy. Of course! Now we can have a special day in their honour and a tribute concert on July 14th, no more Johnny Halliday, Claude Nougaroooo. or Francois for that matter, she’ll do it her way, shoobi doobi wah!

Best of all though, take a look at our new look Mayor…………Only Idaho can do this!